I originally wrote this post on my facebook page back in March and hesitated to put it on my blog because it's so exposing. I was reading through it again tonight and decided it's ok to put it out for the world to see...
Since the day I separated from my husband, I have been trying to unravel what went wrong...why I was so miserable with him. I've been searching for who I am now that I'm alone...trying to find my place in this world. It has been difficult, confusing, liberating, scary, sad, happy, terrifying, and exhilarating all at the same time.
I have felt so many conflicting feelings about what I want in life, trying to make sense of emotions that I feel for so many different things. I had a sort of epiphany that has culminated over the last few days, and it just keeps getting stronger within me. That's what I want to write about today...
For months I have been telling myself that I will never get married again, that I will never again trust another to share my space with me...both literal and figurative. I am terrified of completely giving my all to another man, only to have it thrown back in my face...or disrespected...or taken completely for granted. I am afraid of finding the *wrong* man again, and allowing myself to be lost in who I want to be for him to make him happy with me, instead of staying true to myself.
So this epiphany that I have had is this: I want to start over. ( I don't want to replace my children...they are the two most important human beings in my life and they are completely irreplacable.) I want that sappy, drippy, dewey love that is so fresh in the beginning that it's the best high ever. I want to have more kids, and to share the excitement of babies and family with the man I love. I want to look at my man and know that out of any other man in the room, I could not have done any better.
There are so many experiences in my marriage that left me feeling so empty, so cheated. The night Brandon was born (he was born around 5pm), Dave was there, but he was not *there*. He just didn't want to be there...I could feel it, I could sense it, I wanted to cry because of it. So I told him to just go ahead and go home, so he did... around 8pm. I want a do-over. I want to bring another baby into this world and share the experience with someone who cares to share it with me, not because I ask him to but because he desires it all on his own.
I want a husband who wants to hold his newborn baby, who won't yell at him for crying in his infant car seat in the car, who aches to be able to bond with him and do those things that bring a father close to his child. I want him to say "Don't get up...I will take care of her." Not because I want him to do the work, but because I want to see someone *want* to share that time with his child.
When I get a little postpartum depression and confide to my husband through tears that I'm struggling, I want him to take me in and hold me tight. Not reply with a heavy sigh and an irritated "Oh god, you don't have that post partum thing do you?"
I want a husband who wants to go for a hike with me and the kids, who initiates fun things to do together, who is full of life and love and desires to be happy. I want to be with someone who will absolutely do what is best for his family, standing up for them, loving them unconditionally, taking care of business when it needs to be taken care of.
I want someone who is willing to be vulnerable with me, who will be goofy with me, who will accept me for who I am and allow me to love him for who he is. I want someone who sees me as an equal, not as a child, who will value me and appreciate the mind that I have and the input I can provide to us as a family. I want someone who appreciates me and all I have to offer, and to be a support system for goals I have in my life even if they don't make sense to him, or they aren't goals he would have for himself.
I want a man who will respect me as a woman, as a mother, as a person who has her own likes, dislikes, wants and needs. I want someone who will be straight up with me and not play mind games, and who can take responsibility for his actions and trust that I will be a safe place to fall when he needs to fall.
I want a man who is kind to me, not one who yells and throws fits then wonders why I'm not *in the mood*. I want to be treated well...not told to shut up, or f*** off, or to be told f*** you. I want someone to be on my side, to cheer me on, to know that I fail...a LOT...but I will try try try again. I need someone to be patient with me because I am so far from perfect.
I want to feel taken care of, cared for, needed. I want to be with someone who realizes that I have so much to give...that I will go to the ends of the earth and back, and trust that it is from my heart, not from other motives. I want to take care of my man, support him, value him as a husband and father. I want to show how proud I am of him for the life he lives, for the person he is, for how he treats others.
I want a husband who is involved in his childrens' lives, not someone who becomes irritated that he has to take his girl to her choir concert even if it is short notice. I want him to be excited about all his kids do, and to not be completely disconnected from what they do in the parts of their lives that don't involve him.
I want to look at him and be physically attracted to him, to have my heart melt when he looks at me. I want someone who keeps me on my toes, who won't let me let go of myself, who will always be attracted to me as well.
I want to grow old together, to experience the different phases of love and tenderness and intimacy. I want to look back at photos spanning the years and see lives lived to their fullest, not lived in front of the tv. I want to hold hands forever, snuggle in bed until we're old and rickety, ask each other over a coctail and missing dentures "Is there anything I can do for you baby?" I want someone who will be willing to continually grow as a couple, as parents, as individuals.
I may never find that person, maybe my expectations are just too high. That's ok. I will never settle again. When red flags slap me in the face I will pay attention to them. I don't need this man right now...would I like to be in love again? Absolutely. Am I going to push it? Not a chance. At this point I've simply identified that I don't want to be alone forever, that I have so much of myself that I want to give, and so much of me that wants to receive.
My time will come... :)