Sunday, September 19, 2010

Of fear

I've decided I don't like change. It scares the crap out of me. The reality of change didn't hit me until I walked to my car at the bus stop after work last night. Up until that moment, life was relatively normal - went to work, ate Taco Bell, visited with friends, regretted not taking a pee before hopping on the bus.

The creepy shadow of uncertainty began to hover over me as I walked to my car. The old rut of picking up the kids from the sitter and taking them home to get teeth brushed and jammies on, suddenly became a mental photograph that could only be accessed via the memory bank.

I could no longer rely on the familiar mental exercises that calculated the number of minutes in the evening before the bedtime clock began to tick; or that kept my body in a slightly heightened state of awareness because another hectic day was just around the corner and I couldn't fully relax. I didn't know what was worse - dreading the familiar stress of the day-to-day raising of my kids on my own, or plodding my way through life using a map made with invisible ink.

The walk to my car embodied a freedom and liberation that I feared and resisted. I was a poster child for Stockholm Syndrome, celebrating my freedom yet fearing the loss of my beloved captor who seduced me with happy endings and hopes that inevitably failed.

I picked up the kids from a friend of ours who had watched them for the day; the first sentence of the first chapter of our new book had been written. No alarm clocks to set, no early bedtime deadlines to be met. The beginning of a three-week hiatus from work was underway and the kids had one day left of their weekend.

While a guideline to our lives has been drafted, we are creating as we go. Our new story is filled with hopes and dreams that are not out of our reach. No longer dependent on the lives of others to dictate how our story will unfold, we have been given the gift of autonomy. As the kids become older and less dependent, their own personal stories will begin to emerge as they become capable of steering their lives in the directions they choose.

While the change is scary, this new beginning will undoubtedly be what breathes life back into our souls... what an awesome story this will make!

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