Monday, November 29, 2010

Pushing through

It's scary to feel the *badness* creep in, the feeling of I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.  The feeling of hopelessness, of feeling like I put on the wrong person's skin this morning, is what put me on an anti-depressant in the first place.

But of course I'm off that now, here to fend for myself, to take the crappy emotions, feel them, and deal with them.  I'll be doing fine then out of nowhere feel like I don't know where to go - I don't mean go, as in leave the house, but go as in where to put my mind so that I'll feel better. 

You know, if you're in a mood sometimes you think "Man, a hot bath would take care of everything right now," and you take a hot bath and move on with your life.  Well, imagine rummaging through your mental  filofax of cure-alls only to find that they all say sorry wrong number, out of order, closed for business.  Nothing alleviates the gloom, nothing feels right, nothing sounds right.

That happened to me late this afternoon after the kids had come home from school.  All of a sudden the vast emptiness of this house closed in and I felt almost claustrophobic...for no reason really.  The sudden funk didn't make sense.  Imagine panic and anxiety on the inside without any physical manifestations on the outside.  Just because.  I searched for good feelings, I did my best to not allow myself to wallow.  I refused to be a basket case in front of my kids; in fact, they probably didn't even notice.

So I decided to just move.  I cleaned the kids' bathroom, put their clean bedding on their beds, put their clean laundry away, and cleaned up the kitchen.  What a great way to keep my mind occupied and free from over thinking what may or may not have been wrong with me.  Being productive helped me to feel better; keeping busy calmed my mind; both together helped me to push through the bullshit without going bonkers.

It's easy to say everything's going to be OK when I'm feeling good, when my emotions are high.  It's easy to look at myself and my surroundings objectively and form a plan of action for the next time; however, when I'm in it, when I'm feeling panicky without looking panicky and life seems to be caving in, it's a much harder map to follow.

Pushing through is the best way to describe what I do...I know I'll get through it, it's just that sometimes I don't know how.  Just push through, try to not dissect the emotions, try those things that aren't in the mental filofax because shit, they just might work.  Like cleaning a bathroom and putting away laundry - not the first things I normally think of to make myself feel better.

It's nearly 10:00 pm, kids are in bed, dogs passed out next to me.  I'm doing OK.  I'm proud of myself for dealing with my mental health in a healthy way.  Kids are good, kids are happy.  Maybe this is why I am so low maintenance on the outside... 'cause it takes so much damn work to be me on the inside. 

**In the middle of writing this post I received an email from a website that sends me quotes and thoughts-of-the-day.  The one I received tonight was perfectly appropriate...

"Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action." -Walter Anderson

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