Working out, eating right, meditating, reading books, blogging, napping, deep breathing, putting on eye shadow, words of affirmation, uplifting movies. These are my ways of self-help, of somehow improving Kim.
Let me back track just a little bit...I recently began a strenuous workout program as a means to improve my mind, my body, my soul. It went great for a week - I showed up for workouts, I ate very healthy foods. I was winning my war and it was only the beginning. Week two came, and it was more challenging than the first, even though the schedule was exactly the same. I didn't enjoy the workouts. They were far more advanced than I was willing to admit, and I began to dread what was so exciting just days before. My eating became increasingly unhealthy with each meal and I resisted what I should have been welcoming. Then frustration, then disappointment, then desperation. Two weeks. Fuck. me.
So frustrated and pissed off with myself, desperate to understand what was wrong with me, why I couldn't commit to something for even two weeks, I reached out to anyone, anything, the Universe, the Great Whomever, and I asked for a miracle. Anything, just please help me. The next morning as I was sitting at work completely unhappy with everything, I mumbled another silent pleading to the Great Whomever and to myself, "Please help me, please show me something. Anything. I just need strength..." I then opened my phone, checked my email, and there was the newsletter from Danielle Laporte.
Her words were powerful; it was as if she knew me and personally wrote them just for me. As she pointed out, my rituals are good, but my intentions are wrong. All along I've been trying to fix myself, patch up the broken parts, spackle the blemishes. In doing so I have been reiterating the belief that I am broken, that something is wrong with me. So wait...there's nothing wrong with me? Oh my holy HELL there is nothing wrong with me!! I'm not a busted up piece of trash that needs refurbishing, I'm purely fine and fuckin dandy just as I am. Man I needed to hear that!
So the problem doesn't lie with me needing improvement, instead the solution lies in realizing what I have given my power to over decades of my life. I am powerless to fear; I am powerless to sugary, fatty, crappy foods; I am powerless to self-doubt; I am powerless to so many things my head aches thinking about it.
Back to the rituals - Danielle said, "Rather than doing whatever it is that you do to ease, mitigate and transform those states of being as acts of "self improvement" and "getting fixed" or "making better", what if you approached those rituals and remedies as ways of getting to your power? " BINGO. Mental shift, that's all it is.
In stead of hopping on the treadmill to fix my body, what if I hop on it to "...take a trip to the Limitless Well of Knowing and Reliable Awareness?" Go for a run to tap into my power. Meditate to tap into my power. Take a nap to tap into my power. As I read Danielle's words I envision myself walking up to a treadmill with a soft glowing yellow light around me. As I begin to run the light emanates brighter, stronger, hotter. With it comes a sound, kind of like electricity (think: Light Sabre - doesn't get more cool than that). The more I run the more powerful I become. I get EXCITED thinking about it!
As I see obstacles that come before me I now ask myself, What have I given my power to and how can I get it back? What can I do to glow brighter, to sound like a more cool intense Light Sabre? My rituals, my former "patches," are now used as a conduit to that power that I've given away. I'm not going to continue the P90X workout that I began, not because I don't want to exercise any longer, but because it's not the appropriate conduit for me at the moment. What is, is a treadmill and some weights at the rec center, and exercises that make that light brighter, that power stronger.
Pieces of myself are coming together as I access and reclaim my power, and all I'm doing is changing the way I think about what I do. I'm so glad someone told me that not only am I not broken, but "...the resplendent super juice of life itself is not only accessible, it's pulsing...in me..."