Friday, May 20, 2011

Thoughts

...whywon'tthesuncomeoutIhatethisweatherughmybellyissofatmyhairlooksterribleIwishsummerwouldgetherealreadyIwanttosleepalldaywhatamesswhycan'tIeverkeepthehousecleanI'msuchanidiotiamsuffocatinginthissmalltownIwillneveramounttoanythingnothingfeelsgoodnothingfeelsrightIjustwanttofeelhappymykidsdeserveahappymomIfeellikeI'mfailingthemmiserablyIhavenodesiretodoanythingmypantsaretootightmycarisamessIcan'tsleepIwanttolaydownIamnothing...

That's a sample of what used to go through my mind, all that in about three seconds, and it seemed to never stop.  This is what I notice the most after getting back onto my Effexor, that the endless racing of my mind has been quieted and replaced by a sense of calm.

I find myself feeling good just because, or appreciating things that would have normally derailed me, such as several rainy days.  As in, the rain smells beautiful and it's making the grass so green...  Depression can be such a shameful topic, but I think what's worse is when we feel helpless and don't take care of our needs.  I don't regret those six months off my meds, as they helped me to truly know and understand what my deal is and why I need help.  Sometimes it really is necessary to be in the crap, knowing it, feeling it, dissecting it - then make the conscious decision to take that step in the right direction towards being healthy.  It's a painful process but a very necessary one.

Here's to being well and to feeling good.  Onward and upward...

3 comments:

Marcy said...

Good for you, Kim! I am glad that you are at a better state of mind. Now...if only this damn rain WOULD go away!!! :)

Roxy said...

i'm so glad you feel better... more at ease and calmer. It's very important.
I laughed at the thoughts. |Even though I didn't read to teh end, I failed. It's amazing what space does :P I still know what is in there. I mean woman's brain can process so much more a second than a man's. It may be chaos at times, but whatever... :)

Steve said...

Hi Kimmy, a few yrs ago my therapist wanted to put me on zoloft and I was hesitant because of the stigma associated with depression. Her explanation that it wouldn't solve my problems but would help me be in a place where I could solve them myself was priceless info for me. I trusted her, tried it and wow, what a difference. I'm happy for you and wish you all the best. Steve