Monday, September 12, 2011

Scared of the internet

First of all, thank you all so much for your kind comments to Josh.  We are having a fun time getting re-acquainted in this new capacity and are planning out our next meet and greet.  It can't come soon enough!

Anyway, the past few days have put me through the ringer, and if my undies quit riding up my ass for just a minute or two I think I can concentrate and pull a post out of somewhere.

After several months of feeling amazing in the mental home front, all of a sudden I found myself in another funk.  I've always been saddened by the images of 9/11, but for some reason yesterday they haunted me to the point that I was on the verge of tears all fucking day long.


My mind kept dragging me to that day, keeping my head under the water until I could do nothing but cry UNCLE, holding my breath until the only thing that could save me was tears. 

Really I couldn't make any sense of it, I've never reacted to 9/11 anniversaries like I did this one.  I was afraid to get online, as it was inundated with those images, and with every one my head plunged back beneath the surface. 

The TV was the same - images, tears, weeping, sorrow...

It was a snowball effect, the more I felt like I was drowning, the more things my mind brought to the surface which pushed me down further.  The mother I was that day, our 10-month-old Amanda, the family we would become, the very dark times that we would endure in the ten years between that day on 9/11/01 and the present.

Anxiety.  Hopelessness.  Fear.  Sadness.  Struggle.

Today is a little better.  Today I don't feel like I'm drowning, but the kiddie pool is beneath my feet, reminding me the water is there and ready.

I was scared to open my laptop, to put words to my blog, for fear that it would illicit another waterfall of misplaced tears. 

But here I am, intact and doing ok.  I know I'll get through this, there is no other way.  I know this funk, dread, anxiety, whatever the fuck has overcome me, will pass and I'll look back and be forever grateful I made it through, just like I always have.

I'm grateful I have Josh to talk with, to hold my hand over the hundreds of miles that run between us.  I could use the big close hug that he would provide, but for now his voice has been therapy to my aching mind. 

I'm also grateful for those of you who read my blog, for giving me a chance to be not-so-ok when life isn't handing me moments that make me soar.  *I'll* be back before long, so until then please send me the good, the funny, the crazy vibes that you all have out there.

Promise I'll put 'em to good use..


Linda Medrano said...

Honey, sometimes we have to save ourselves. I too avoided a lot of the stuff yesterday. I remember the day very clearly. Living through it once was more than enough.

" Hit It......." said...

I love reading your blog. btw -I was in a funk all weekend too regarding the ten year anniversary of 9-11.

Slyde said...

i didnt put the tv on all day. I dont want to relieve the day where i lost so many friends and almost lost alot more...