Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Everything's gonna be alright

All my life I wanted to be a mom.  It was the one thing I knew I wanted, without a doubt.  When I was young and imagined what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always A mom.  When I married my husband we couldn't have kids - he had had a vasectomy many years prior, after the birth of his son from his first marriage.  Knowing this was reversible, in late 1999 we visited a urologist, took out a $5,000 loan, and had him un-fixed. 

 Right about the time this happened I wrote in my journal that I had a feeling I would be pregnant within two months.  Keep in mind, a successful pregnancy was not in our favor.  The vasectomy was about eleven years old, then add to that the odds of actually getting pregnant, and what we had was a slim-to-none chance that we would successfully bear a child.

Wouldn't you know, about two months after the procedure, I had a positive blood test confirming a pregnancy.  In the excitement we called everyone and their cats and dogs, letting the world know we were expecting, when the due date would be...you know the drill.  The next morning I got my period.

Pregnancy gone.

I was devastated.  I worried it was our only chance to have a baby and now it was nothing more than another used tampon.  I remember going to work that morning and leaving almost as soon as I arrived - I just wanted to go home and cry for the rest of my life.  In the car I turned on the radio, and the song Lullabye, by Shawn Mullins, was playing.  Right at the chorus.

Everything is gonna be alright.....rockabye...

If you don't know that song give it a listen - the chorus, that part I heard at that very moment, was powerful.

Listen here

Although it didn't take all the hurt away right that instant, it did infuse me with the feeling that everything would in fact, be alright.  Two months after that painful day, I became pregnant with Amanda.

Right now I'm trying to get a job as a photojournalist with our local newspaper.  For all intents and purposes, this would be the perfect job for me.  The editor is happy with my photos that he has seen, but he's concerned with my lack of newspaper/photojournalism experience.  While I completely understand his worry, I just want to shake him and reassure him that he would not be disappointed.  I desperately want this job.

Then I think about that morning with that song, and I remember that not getting what I want sometimes means something better is just around the corner.

The good people at the newspaper haven't quite decided what to do with me - they might give me a try in July to see how things go.  Regardless, I'm trying my best to remember that things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be that I get that job, I'll get it.  If it's not then I won't.

One way or another, everything's gonna be alright.


Hannah Denski said...

So true, if it's meant to be it will be... fingers crossed for you! x

Nat said...

Hoping everything turns out all right for you!

Greg said...

Love that song! Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2OnKLLzi1E

Steve said...

Kim, Love that song, love the whole album. And yes, everything is going to be alright. At the very least this experience has shown you where you want to be. That, my friend, is awesome. If I found myself 500 miles to the north I'd give you a great big hug, I am so happy for you. :-)

Stacia said...

I LOVE Shawn Mullins. I truly wish the best for you and know that what you are putting out there, you will be getting back. I love your spirit!


Roksana Podgorska said...

Maybe you could work for them for a trial period so that they can see what you do and appreciate it?
Glad they will let you do some work in July. They won't regret it. Speaking of pictures, practice some more here :) I like your photography and you don't post enough pics me thinks. xx

Jayne said...

Nobody ever had experience until someone gave them a chance. I hope the editor thinks back to the first person who believed in him and gives you this job. They'd be lucky to have you.

My Inner Chick said...

--I looove your postive attitude. This will get you very far <3 Xx