Tuesday, July 17, 2012

In the meantime

While changes are in the works, I'm feeling the need to write.  The past few weeks have been, in a word, surreal.  With the death of Dave and not having worked for this time, I feel like I'm in a completely different dimension.  I don't know what day it is; I don't know what time it is.  I'm filling our apartment with items Dave and I bought together years ago, things we've had since the very beginning.  I came across a small pair of scissors he had before we even met, scissors that were a fixture in our bathroom for over a decade, scissors that immediately went into the appropriate drawer once they arrived in their new home.

I feel like I want to take good care of them, that certain things, no matter how trivial or silly it might seem to anyone else, need to be respected and held onto until my own passing.  Things like a pair of small bathroom scissors.  Once I leave this earth it will be up to someone else to decide what's meaningful and what's garbage.

With his passing came the bed.  THE. BED.  We used to call it the marshmallow bed - the king-sized Sleep Number bed that at one time was covered by the most luxurious down comforter, is now mine.  Ours.  The three of us fit with room to spare.  I sleep on my side; Dave's side is his, saved for the kids whenever they join me.  Having the bed makes me feel grown up.  Something about the head and foot boards, the side tables, and nothing else in the room but a dresser.

It is the room of The Parents.

The Parent.

One of me.  Brandon pointed out that now I'm a widow.  I chuckled at the thought because of our four-year separation, but yes technically I am a widow.  The mother of two fatherless kids, two kids who now are now card carrying members of the My Dad Died Club, who over the next umpteen years will develop their own ways of explaining why their dad isn't around.

I'm so glad I'm not working right now.  This past week of sorting, and moving, and hauling to Mom's where we'll have a garage sale, has been extremely exhausting.  There's no way I could have made it through our houseFULL of stuff while having to leave every day to go to work.  The kids have needed me here.  I've needed them with me.  It's really all worked out ok, this strange, scary, unexpected mess.

God what a mess.

At this point I have no plan - I'm just floating, trying my best to deal.  I'm looking for a job, but the one for me hasn't made its way into the papers yet.  It will be here soon, I can feel it - the Universe will provide just as it always does, and right now it's making sure I'm ok, the kids are ok, our home is ok, before bestowing employment upon us.

I'm so excited for the changes that lay ahead for my blog.  Until that happens I'll keep plugging along, writing when the planets align and I feel like I can make sense of life just long enough to write it down.


The Flying Tortoise said...

It is wonderful not having a plan isn't it and having a belief that whatever direction you head from now will be the right one and whatever happens, the universe will take care of you.
And being able to be excited about what lies ahead for you, the kids and your blog is great.
I can feel by your words you are stepping out of the place you've been.
Happy times are ahead.
Hugs to you...

A Daft Scots Lass said...

You're a strong lady and you're doing great (under the circumstances).


Steve said...

I believe and have said from time to time that the perfect thing happens at the perfect time, perfectly. And it will continue to do so.

Hannah Denski said...

As I say, time is everything... Hx

Stacia said...

Can't wait to see the changes. Keep moving forward!

Westernwarmth said...

I enjoy your writing. It feels good to read it. And I'm glad you got that "job opportunity" so you could have no job for awhile. Enjoy the rest and get what you need from it. Thanks for writing. Keep doing so! And sharing your gorgeous pictures.