Friday, January 22, 2010

To my inner critic...

I'd like everyone to meet The Bitch, aka my inner critic.  We all have her within, I just finally put a face to the feeling so I can defeat her once and for all.  Or at least try.  This is an image of me of course, an image of me looking how I feel at my worst (or close to it).  I don't like how I look in my glasses, my face is frowny, I'm wearing an oversized flannel shirt and roomy jeans.  At my core, I feel this is ME.  And I don't like her one bit.

The Bitch is a bully.  She nitpicks at everything and anything.  I can do no right when she's around.  My hair is too short, my hair is too long, my hair is too curly, my hair is too brown.  She practically counts every blackhead on my nose, every pimple on my face, even when they are hardly visible.  She snickers at all my gray hairs, my big ears, my bulbous nose, and my double chin. 

She mocks me when I stand before myself in the mirror wearing nothing but my skin.  Too many dimples, ripples, rolls, and bumps.  Yuck.  Gross.  Ugly.  Disappointing.  HOW CAN YOU BE SO LAZY??  Just LOOK at yourself Kim... LOOK!!!  If you would get off your fat ass and move once in a while, these dimples wouldn't be here and you would be perfect!!!!

She laughs at my thighs because they touch at the top.  When she had things her way several years ago, they were slender and sexy, not bulging and cottage-cheesy.  When my legs are showing, all she can point out are the dark blue veins that trace my fair skin like a road map.  Two pregnancies gave my sexy legs ugly vericose viens, and she never ceases to remind me of how good they used to look.  Muscular, slender, and worth showing off.  I now keep them covered at all costs so that she doesn't have the chance to ridicule me with her disgust.

I don't shave often enough, my leg hairs are too black, my bikini line has too many ingrown hairs, my armpits always have a five o'clock shadow no matter how closely I shave them.  My skin is too scaly with far too many dry spots.  If I took better care of my skin I wouldn't have these problems!!! 

She beats it into my soul that I'm too flaky, too absent-minded, too forgetful for my own good, and that if my head wasn't attached I would lose it.  When others have fun at my expense with regards to my smarts, I cower in shame.  While I know it's all in good fun and I joke about my flightyness more than anyone I know, I'm embarrassed that I let that cat outta the bag a little too much.

I cower to you, Bitch.  I'm sorry for not being perfect.  I'm sorry for not living up to your expectations, no matter how unrealistic they are.  I'm sorry for being an ugly embarrassment to the world in your eyes, no matter how many people tell me otherwise.  And I'm sorry for what I'm about to say to you...

FUCK YOU BITCH.  You can take your perfection and shove it up your ass.


Anonymous said...

That's it get it all out! hoping now you can move on, but except the bitch to show up now and then. But on the whole the good and rightful you is still existing!! Looking forward to seeing you the beautiful Kim we all know. We all have our demon's how couragous of you to expose yours. Not sure where mine is at the moment I'm to tired right now to look for her hopefully she hasn't surfaced yet! love ya Carol G.

Bobi Jensen said...

Hey Kim, I don't know if you even knew who I was growing up, you were older and I knew you. I just wanted you to know that I love reading people's truth. I love authenticity and hate hypocrisy. Just because I happen to be LDS now as an adult I am in no way the same person I was growing up in Cody--it really is it's own culture. At least for myself, please don't feel a need to censor yourself. I LOVE people's true selves, and I really loved this post. It is so insightful. Thanks so much for writing.

Amanda said...

I'm with "Western Warmth" (I know who she is). :) No need to censor yourself. If others can't handle it, they don't have to read it. And that inner critic ... wow, she sounds exactly like "someone" I know. Huh.