Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Feeling good

I'm hoping to put up a few pictures from Amanda's birthday party, but for now I'm happy I got the video put up as quickly as I did.  Usually October and November signify the beginning of a very long, very dark time of year within me, and depression sinks its hooks in so deep that it takes all I have to keep my head above the water. 

I regret that in the years past Amanda's birthdays have not made headlines on my blog, partly because writing is difficult when my mind has flown south for the winter, and partly because I have always managed to drop the ball and fail her birthdays miserably.  Compound regular depression with seasonal depression with failing the most important day of the year for a child, and what you get is someone who folds herself inward, hoping to do nothing more than not fuck it up next time.

So this year, despite not having a gazillion things to choose from like she would have in Denver, Amanda and I planned her birthday appropriately.  It was a huge success -  her dad was here to celebrate it with her, and a gaggle of her friends were able to make it as well.  The success in and of itself makes me feel good and it makes me want to write about it.  Score one for team sanity.

All the cumulative positive pieces parts of this move have seemed to alleviate the usual winter dreads.  I don't know if it's the significant change in my work hours, or the decrease in the stress of Dave's alcoholism, or the clean mountain air, but I still feel relatively normal heading into the season.  I don't feel the need to shut down to the world, to hide my head under the covers and cry .  I feel good and capable, two words usually unfamiliar to me this time of year.

Dave leaves this morning and it will be sad for the kids to see him go.  It was such a great weekend, and I enjoyed time he and I spent talking about our respective soul searching.  He is doing remarkably well in his recovery and will be getting his 60-day coin soon.  Score one for team sober.

As a side note... it snowed last night.  Winter has officially begun.  Bring it.


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