There is a hurricane swirling and I'm right in the eye, holding the two little ones that were brought into this crazy thing called life. In the center of the storm there is calm...I sit with them, holding them close. We giggle, laugh, tell silly stories, we nuzzle and snuggle. We know that around us is uncertainty and turmoil, a discernible shit storm that could easily leave us battered and bruised. Together the three of us are powerful; an intense fusion of love, dedication, courage, and passion.
I do not rely on my children for my strength, as it is not their responsibility to carry me; however, I am strengthened because of them. Their pain is noticeable, their tears real. Yet somehow they manage to wipe away the sadness, emerging even more resilient and capable. They don't dwell, they don't wallow in their own pity, they don't carry on. Instead they feel, they communicate, they ask questions, they express themselves, and they move ahead.
Alcoholism is consuming their dad...it has taken him down, annihilating him. It is winning. We are powerless to this fiend who has taken him hostage. It is only Dave who can save himself and if he would realize the capability that is within him, he would destroy this monster that has consumed him for so long.
Not only has this monster ruined him, it is deteriorating the relationship he has with his children just as it played a part in the deterioration of his marriage. I want nothing more than for him to be well, to be whole. His children and I are rooting for him, but we can not do the work for him. He is outside the walls of the eye of the storm; he is in the terrifying winds that are taking him further and further from our reach. Watching him struggle is excruciating.
I have the formidable task of educating our children about, and protecting them from this monster that is alcoholism, while at the same time helping them to maintain and strengthen the love they have for their dad. I wish for a handbook of life, a pamphlet with all the answers about how to make sure everyone comes out alive and well. I know that things will get worse before they get better, but we will not let this get the best of us.