Monday, July 6, 2009

Ironing out the kinks

The issues that have consumed my life recently...the ones that have caused me to bury my face in my hands and sob...hide under the darkness of my covers...and at one time fall into the deepest scariest depression...those issues are finally starting to iron themselves out.

Slowly but surely, one by one, knots have become unraveled. I am always trying to remind myself to not stress, to allow life to unfold regardless of the amount of control I think I have. Sometimes it's easy to do, and sometimes (more like ALWAYS) it is impossible. Life will work itself out on its own terms no matter how much we stress and fret and try to call the shots down to the last minute detail.

Sometimes going forward feels like a firm step in the right direction, other times it feels like I have my eyes closed tight, my foot stretched out in front of me, ready to land on whatever earth appears beneath. I have landed on quicksand, granite, water, mud, grease, name it, I've stepped into it.

Regardless of what has appeared beneath me, one thing has always remained the same: I have no choice but to keep moving forward. As long as I'm moving forward I'm surviving, I'm teaching myself and my children that giving up is not an option and never will be.

I am loving my new position at work...absolutely loving it! For the first time in my entire life, I feel like a competent, confident leader. I make mistakes, made quite a few of them today even...but I am OK with each and every one of them. As cliche as it sounds, without mistakes we never learn.

I am now seeing how pieces of my life have melted together to form who I am today - my work ethic is a result of working for my dad's company at a very young age; my patience and leadership skills have been well honed from being a good parent; confidence in myself has come to the forefront as a result of my life as a single mom and the trials that have been attached to it. It all makes sense, all the little pieces of me that I have struggled with for so many years.

At the end of my workdays and especially the end of my work weeks, I am completely exhausted. My body aches, my mind is tired, my energy is spent. I am proud that I have allowed myself to suffer emotional, mental, and physical discomfort (pain!!) in order to grow into the person I always wanted to be but never thought I could. I'm not *there* yet and probably never will be...I'm always a work in progress.

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