Friday, September 18, 2009


My mind is full of thoughts, ideas, pictures, words, images, events, memories...the pitcher is full a and it's time to catch the overflow. I'm just going to do a sort of free write, just plopping down what comes to my mind. It might not make sense, it might not be worth the read. But, if I don't get my head cleared out I think it's going to burst.

With my eyes closed, ambient music playing in my ears, I am letting my fingers loose, typing almost as if they are being controlled by an unseen force, my invisible friend. Do I have an invisible friend?

I was stopped by a (real) friend this morning who said she had finally had a chance to read my heart was filled full as she expressed her excitement for how she connected with the words of my life, identifying with my experiences as if they had been her own. This isn't the first time someone has shared this kind of excitement with me, and it fills me with such gratitude to know that the pain of the past year has not been in vain.

I have struggled for years with the feeling that there is something out there for me to do, a bigger picture, a responsibility beyond my immediate existence. Until fairly recently I haven't been able to so much as get a taste of what this bigger picture is. It's frustrating, like something is just out of reach but is teasing me with the idea that it's there waiting for me...enticing me.

I have learned to let life flow, to allow each day to unfold without having each minute detail planned or anticipated. I have finally truly surrendered to the idea that things happen for a reason, that when I am disappointed about an event happening in a way I had not hoped for, something better will fall into place.

My life's purpose is slowly starting to seep from my subconscious into my conscious, and it's filling me full of an unfamiliar energy. It's exciting, it's intoxicating, it's electric. When I feel stuck about how to move forward with this energy, I just wait it out. I know that what I need will come to me when I need it, and that forcing the issue only keeps me stagnant and frustrated.

A year ago I was hidden under my covers, only emerging when I absolutely had to. Were it not for the kids, I would probably be growing roots around my frameless bed. I couldn't get the room dark enough, I couldn't close my eyes tight enough. I was paralyzed, unable to do anything that required energy. That included sitting upright and opening my eyes. I was a prisoner in my own mind, and I was in lock down.

I have learned so much about myself from the many experiences I had both personally and professionally. I am so much more equipped to now open myself to whatever the universe has in store for me. A year ago it would have been impossible...and what I've gone through has played a significant part in where my life is now headed. I don't know if that really makes any sense to you, but it is perfectly clear to me.

The past year had to happen, there's no way around it. As hard as this is to say, it was one of the best things to ever happen to me.


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