Thursday, December 17, 2009

Up and down

Just when I feel like I'm on top of the world, another day comes along and out of nowhere I'm bawling my eyes out.  Today wasn't a bad day per se, just an emotionally *off* day.  I wanted to be with the kids, celebrating their school Christmas parties; my back was hurting from the minute my shift started; the one person I can always count on to get me through the crap was practically non-existent for most of the day without explanation; I was burnt out, mentally and physically; I felt overwhelmed with so many little things that lie beneath the surface yet are extremely prominent in my life right now. 

The kids and I got home and I headed straight for a hot bath, hoping to relax and ease my stress.  As soon as I got in the waterworks came on and the tears flowed.  Hard.  I cried into my washcloth so that Brandon, who was playing on the computer in my bedroom, wouldn't hear me.  Eventually I got out, thinking I was OK.  Nope... cried into my towel.  Finally I went in and laid down on the couch, hoping the kids would be occupied enough in the other room that I would be able to collect myself so I wouldn't be seen in such a heap.

Still tears.  Crap.  Amanda soon came in and sat down beside me, asking what was wrong.  All I could muster was to say that sometimes cries just come out of nowhere much like they did for her a couple of nights ago.  She gave me an understanding nod and just hugged me.  What a healing hug it was.

After snacks and teeth-brushing were done, I asked them to come lay on the couch with me... Amanda draped herself over my side while Brandon snuggled into my front.  Within a few minutes I felt Amanda's body relax and become heavy, and Brandon no longer made a sound.  They were asleep on me and beside me, my arms wrapped tight around them both.

Unbeknownst to them, their physical closeness is what always, without fail, gets me through the rough days.  I try to be as strong as I possibly can around them, never asking them to bear the weight of my emotional needs.  Instead I take advantage of their hugs, kisses, and snuggles.  I'm hoping that those same things are what help get them through their rough days too.  

No comments: