I received a note from a reader last night, someone I have never met but we lived fairly close together growing up. She thanked me for being authentic, honest, and meaningful in my writing... her compliments were flattering and kind beyond words, but they also sent my mind into a tailspin.
You see, I read her words, then I thought about the person I portray in my blog. The words I write are authentically me... well, part of me, and it's what I don't allow readers to see that bothers me. My readers are made up of church friends I grew up with, childhood friends I have known for years, family, and family-in-law, to name a few.
It's this certain group of people I don't want to disappoint; they are basically the reason I fiercely edit what I say and how I say it. This editing makes me disappointed in myself, unhappy that I have come this far in my self-discovery, only to stifle parts of me to satisfy a select few. So I'm going to take a minute and share some parts of me with everyone, parts that some may know of and some may not. There are some who have seen all the pieces of Kim, while others have never seen anything but the good little churchgoing girl from decades ago.
~~ I grew up in the Mormon religion, as dedicated as any Mormon girl could ever be. When I was about 19, I stopped going to church... I was no longer made to go by my parents. The separation from the only source of spirituality I ever knew eventually grew into an educated, personal decision to leave the church. Not only did I become completely inactive, I removed my name from its official records and I haven't looked back since.
I now consider myself Agnostic - basically I don't know. And that's OK. Nothing is better than exploring spirituality from so many different points of view. It's enlightening, intriguing, and I never stop growing.
~~ I curse like a sailor. True story. I drop the F-Bomb like it's D-Day at Normandy. I know to use the filthy language in appropriate settings and do my best to censor myself around the kids. But I'll admit, I say shit a lot. So be forewarned... if it's in me, I'm gonna write it. If you don't like it... you might want to either turn on your mental big girl/boy censors, or stop reading all together.
~~ I can be angry, and there's no better way to express serious anger than by writing about it. I'm not always happy, I'm not always just frustrated. Sometimes I'm royally pissed. You might see a little of that coming through. We'll see.
I will still keep my ex-husband rants to a minimum, mainly because his mom and sister are two of my most avid readers and believe me... they may be little but they are SCARY when you piss 'em off. Just kidding!! Really, they are two very sweet, very strong women whom I admire, and out of respect for them I've put the mute button on issues with Dave.
~~ I am dating, and no I am not saving myself for my next marriage (if there ever is one). So for all of you who think I'm chaste and pure, I'm not. In any sense of the words. :) Relationships may or may not find their way into the blog... again, we'll see.
~~ I've never done drugs, not even smoked weed. I'm amazed at how often people are shocked when I share that sentiment with them. "I've never done drugs, not even pot." "Really? LIAR!" Never have done it, never will. On the other hand, I do drink on occasion, and I enjoy it. I limit myself to two requirements when I drink, the first being that I don't have the kids with me and the second being that I'm not needing to drive. My favorite is a dirty martini, and one of these days I'll learn how to make my own. Yummy.
~~ I have a very crass sense of humor. My mind is frequently in the gutter and if I find an opening for a good joke, I'll take it. I love to laugh and can usually have a pretty good time with some irreverance. And a dirty martini.
I do have other, scarier skeletons that will probably forever stay in their closet, but maybe not. I'm simply going to be me and write what is within me. One day I might keep it very clean and upbeat and silly. The next day I might find the need to say fuck, even if it means an angel has lost its wings.
So let me introduce myself... I'm Kim, the accidental somebody. This blog is my story...
:)
"I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am." ~Homer Simpson
4 comments:
Believe it or not, you sound like a pretty normal human being to me. If some people think your perfect or close to it there is no such person. I commend you for your honesty! you go girl!! As for Dave no explanation needed I raised him, I know him he is like his Dad!! but I love him. PS. his Dad is still ranting!!
You know what's funny Carol, after I got done writing this I realized that nothing I wrote is that bad at all. I've just kept myself guarded for so long so that people who knew me from long ago wouldn't judge me. My religious upbringing constantly sent the message that if you aren't *perfect*, you are not OK. It's just a weird part of me I've held onto for a very long time and I've come to realize how utterly ridiculous it is!
Kim :)
You know Kim that feeling like people are judging us sounds so familiar to me I lived most of my life like that. As I got older and am now in my senior years I realize I just don't care anymore what people think of me. I am who I am. Some people you just connect with in life unconditionally and for the "others" no matter what you do they are not happy. I think the feeling of I don't care comes with time and age and excepting yourself for who you are, what you look like etc; hey! their is something to be said for us "Red Hat" ladies " I shall wear purple with a red hat wich doesn't go and doesn't suit me, and I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves and satin sandals and say we've no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired and gobble up samples in shops and press alarms bells and run my stick along the public railings and make up for the sobriety ofmy youth. I shall go out in my slippers in the rain and pick the flowers in other peoples gardens and learn to spit. You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat and eat three pounds of sausages at a go and hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes. But now we must have clothes that keep us dry and pay our rent and not swear in the street and set a good example for the children. We will have freinds to dinner and read the papers. But maybe I ought to practise a little now?So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised when suddenly I am old and start to wear purple So Kim just be who you are love who you are! love ya! Carol
I like you even more! Wish we could meet for coffee! :)
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