Nothing comes for free

"It takes courage to live - courage, and strength, and hope, and humor.  And courage and strength and hope and humor have to be bought and paid for with pain and work and prayers and tears."  ~ Jerome Fleisham

Man, this is a great quote.  A friend gave it to me tonight when I told him I was feeling blah and it was exactly what I needed to hear.  There is so much struggle in my life right now, and most of it is just crap that's self-imposed. 

For all intents and purposes my life is good.  My kids are safe and sleeping well, tucked into their warm beds with full happy bellies.  They will wake tomorrow and go to school clothed and prepared, ready to live a life that's priviledged compared to so many who are far less fortunate.  I will climb into bed soon with a full belly as well, warm covers and a good job to get ready for in the morning.

So the struggle that is my constant companion is probably unseen by others.  It's the crippling depression that, while is maintained with medication, still creeps up and puts me in a sudden chokehold.  It's the self-doubt, the criticism, the self-esteem that never was, the fear, the panic, the anxiety. 

I know I'm too hard on myself.  Tonight's struggle comes as a direct result of feeling fat and not having the motivation to exercise.  I hate the way I look and as I sit here on my couch in jeans and a flannel shirt, I feel all three chins laughing at me, my belly begging to be let loose into a pair of stretchy pants, and thighs that look like they belong on a painting from centuries ago when large thighs were thought of as beautiful.

But I digress...  back to the quote.  Courage, hope, and humor don't land on our doorsteps courtesy of any storks.  They have to be earned.  They are revealed to us only after we feel the opposition...the crap we so desperately avoid.  Pain, work, tears... they are hard.  Hard to do sometimes when you feel as if there isn't one more ounce of yourself to give to the world.  But without them we have no way of learning what it means to be courageous and hopeful.

So I'm going to lay down soon, the words of Mr. Fleisham marinating throughout my soul.  With every fiber of my being I want to not be afraid to pay the price...