Thursday, April 1, 2010

The yearly visit

Who doesn't treasure that yearly trip to the gynecologist?  I mean, what's not to love about a 55-year-old man face first in your cookie, making small talk with you and the nurse?  I always enjoy having The Beav cranked open by the little plastic jaws of life while trying to relax and act like it's no big deal my Lady Garden is on display.

One year while my feet were propped up in the stirrups and the doc was conducting business with my cha cha, he said, "Have you been painting?"  I damn near shit myself on the exam table, wondering what in holy HELL was on the little lady?!  The nurse realized the look of horror on my face and she interjected with a giggle, "You have paint on your leg."  It was all I could do to not shout DO NOT EVER DO THAT AGAIN!! to the good doctor.  I can laugh at it now, but nothing is funny when the virtue of my snooch is at stake.

I don't know why I still hate that visit.  For Pete's sake, the man watched my bits and pieces give birth to Brandon, he cut into them in order to fit that little man through me, and he sewed up the carnage when all was said and done.  Every year for the last six years he's had intimate encounters with my particular breed of kitty, so it's not like what he sees is a huge surprise.

I suppose I should at least enjoy the part where my ta tas are, but what's the fun in that if the cranky nurse is hovering?   Where's the FUN??  Maybe these yearly visits to the punani doc wouldn't be so bad if there was loud, cantankerous music and a stripper pole involved.  I wouldn't mind if the doc showed up in a bowtie and assless chaps.

Brings on a whole new meaning to the term Healthcare Reform.  I vote YES!!



Anomic Entropy said...

I go to the midwife for my lady business. I still hate it. But not as bad as when I used to go to GYNs. Besides, she (the midwife who caught my second child and almost made it in time for the third) pronounced my pelvis "magnificent" when feeling me up six months after the birth of my third child. For some reason that still makes me grin.

I might be living with the aftermath of growing, birthing, and nursing three babies and all the physical disappointment/frustration that brings to a moderately vain woman... but at least I know that my pelvis is totally awesome.

Anonymous said...

Been there done that. Went through 25 years and 5 babies, and 2 operations with a male doc. Then I said enough is enough when mentopause reared its ugly head and I just knew he would not understand and I don't care what he says he never will. I then got myself a female doctor love it she understands without having to say anything. Love it! hopefully you can find a female doc. Love ya! Ps by the way your interpretation was my laugh for the day even though you find it not funny. Love ya Carol G.

The Accidental Somebody said...

I guess I should clarify, I love my doc just hate the visit! And Carol, I'm glad you got a laugh - that's always my aim! :)