Thursday, May 20, 2010

Already feeling it

Tomorrow is my Monday and the kids' Friday which means I take them to school then hustle home to get ready for work.  Drop-off is the last I will see them until Sunday evening because they will be with their Dad during that time. 

As much as I enjoy quiet time, I get anxiety when they aren't here.  I come home from work Friday and Saturday nights to an empty, quiet home and wake up to silence as well.  No matter what I do to occupy my mind, or what I turn on to entertain myself, I still feel the emptiness their absence creates.

We spent my weekend laughing, playing games, watching a silly movie, swimming (although I sat out on that one), snuggling, shopping, holding hands, smooching cheeks, and just enjoying each other like we always do.

It's such a stark contrast to when they are away; the house is quiet, I've no one to hug, no one to smooch, no little boy to let me hold his little chubby hand, no gangly girl to look at and wonder who gave her permission to grow up so fast, no silly dances to make me laugh, no bad jokes to make me giggle.

It's just me and my mind, the mind that sinks into a deep depression on a whim, or maybe it's just the anxiety masquerading as depression... or the other way around.  I don't know, I just know that I don't like it.  I deal with it, there's no way around it - I will forever encourage the kids to go and have fun with their dad just as they come over and have fun with me.

I'm not sure why it's creeping up on me already tonight - usually I don't feel it until I get home after work and hibernate in my bedroom for the evening.  I don't even like to go into the kids' room because it's empty of their spirits yet full of their personalities.  I hope that in time this anxiety goes away because it's ridiculous to feel this way.  Darn it all anyway.

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