My day-to-day existence is very predictable - I work, get kids to and from school, we eat dinner, and we go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. Sometimes we'll mix things up a bit with a trip to the rec center, or a movie at the theatre, or dinner at a restaurant, but for the most part we keep it simple and thrive well on that simplicity.
Inside my head is another story all together, as I've shared many times within the pages of my blog. My mind is that steel ball inside a pinball machine, bouncing with doubt, hope, fear, bits of confidence, plans of action, defeat, and on and on.
Lately I've been questioning my job and weighing pros and cons of finding another, one second feeling good about finding something else, the next second feeling doubtful and that I should stay put. Then in the middle of that volley shoots the desire to be doing more creatively but with purpose and relevance to making a living, then my mind bounces back to the doubt and insecurities of my capabilities (pipe dreams!). While I'm trying to unravel that knot another feeling ricochets in about how much I hate the roll of fat that's gathered around my waistline, jiggling with every step, reprimanding me for my laziness and inability to commit to working out. It all seems so trivial and stupid, but it is just a snapshot of the mental crap I have to wade through. And it never ends.
So here's what I've decided to do as a way to shake things up within me, without sacrificing the routine the kids and I have already established. I'm going to start a workout program called P90X. It's an intense program that incorporates weight training, cardio, yoga, pain, and more pain, and I am super duper excited to start.
While I am a bit crazy for choosing this particular program, I do have my reasons which will hopefully kill many birds with this one stone. For YEARS I have been dissatisfied with my body, even when I was a mere 130 pounds (around age 21). At 5'10", that's not a lot of weight and I was too thin, but working as a waitress and moving for eight hours straight just kept me that way.
Even very thin, I wasn't happy with myself and I constantly battled my demons about what I needed to do to be perfect, and how disappointed I was because I failed to get the exercise thing just. right. Maybe I would have handled things differently in my early twenties if I knew that, at 35, I still haven't gotten it right, whatever right is. I could have been so much more productive with my time and energy than wasting it all on years of trying, failing, trying, and failing again at something I really had no business worrying about in the first place. So this three months is my final go at getting it right, and maybe I can finally figure out what the fuck RIGHT is. When the three months is over if I'm not happy with whatever physical results I achieve, then I'm surrendering to the gods of flab, and letting go of that obsessive part of me that needs to constantly appease my own unrealistic expectations.
And who knows, maybe I'll find that getting it right isn't about body fat percentage, but more about healthy balance of body and mind (it is such a no-brainer so why is it so hard for me?). That takes me to another reason I want to do this particular workout regime. It's designed in a way that every day I do something different, yet every day there are specific exercises to do and certain ways to do them. My sporadic, scattered mind is desperately in need of the structure this workout provides. There isn't any guesswork, or maybes, or what-do-I-dos. It's all right there and all I have to do is follow through with what I'm instructed to do. That I can do. I do think I've said "do" enough in this paragraph, do you?
Lastly, I'm looking forward to the journey. I don't like sounding cliché but I can't help it because it's true. I know that exercise feels good and creates a physical and mental chain reaction when I am able to do it for more than a day or two at a time. I find myself craving soda less, enjoying and drinking water more, my body and mind feel energized after they are flooded with endorphins, I crave healthier foods, and I am happier. Again, it's such a no-brainer but making it a way of life is so elusive it just pisses me off!
With my heart, lungs, muscles, and endorphins being forced to wake up over the next few months, I'm excited to see the long term effects of the journey, if there are any to be had. Maybe the increased oxygen circulating throughout my body will have the side effect of a calm mind and clearer perspective on life. Maybe getting rid of the jiggle will bring me out of my self-imposed clothing prison that I currently use to hide myself from the world. Maybe becoming stronger physically will empower me mentally.
I will take pictures tomorrow so that in 90 days I can see my progress, and I'll update on my blog as I feel the need to brag, complain, or beg for mercy. It's not going to be easy, but I know (I think I can I think I can I think I can) that once I get myself into a routine I can keep it going. I'm doing my best to stay positive and really give it my all and then some. Time to hit this sucker outta the park once and for all.
Wish me luck, I'm going to need it!