Tuesday, September 27, 2011

He didn't need his balls anyway

Mom is out of town so I get to check up on her other kids, two furball Pomeranians and a poodle who walks like she's ridden one too many horses.

This morning Rusty, the smaller but alpha male, kind of cowered and tucked his butt under when I went to pick him up - he is usually annoyingly excited to see me.  Since he's had issues with his hiney in the past I figured something was up again.

I picked him up and turned him over and sure enough, he had a big glob of shit dried to his asshole and meshed into his fur.  That meant one thing:  SCISSORS.

I grabbed the only pair I could find, those giant orange-handled sewing scissors, just perfect for dissecting a shitball off a dog's ass.  C'mon, I'm sure every vet uses those...

As I sat down on the couch and tried to take another look, he crossed his dainty little hind legs... I don't think so BITCH.

He growled his little four-pound motor as I held him in my left arm and spread his legs with my right hand to get a better, closer look. 

Huh.  That was sure some soft fuzzy shit, like a fat woolly caterpillar found a nice spot to nuzzle in and take a nap.

I touched it and smelled my finger, preparing myself for a good gag.

Nothing.

Huh.  It's not smelly, it's soft, it's a little furry....

. . . . . . .  .  .   .   .    .    .     .

It's not under his tail.

FUCK.

I nearly cut off the damn dog's balls.

I looked at his face and giggled.  He looked at mine like he was going to rip it off.

As I walked up the stairs I chuckled at what was most absurd - that I was stupid enough to mistaken the position of his balls  for the asshole that's really right beneath his tail


OR

that it's a pity the only scissors I could find were ones that would have made for a hideously messy castration.

Can you imgaine the phone call to Mom?


8 comments:

Roxy said...

Phew, good that this story ended the way it did. I was holding my breath thinking you actually emasculated the dog :)

neatfit said...

Holy shit! I think you need a little bit more sleep. That dog must be on edge every second of his life now.

Bersercules said...

Reading that just made me afraid of siccors! I'm gonna have nightmares about women with siccors now! Thanks!

Nat said...

That is one lucky dog! You came so close to adding castration to your long list of talents :-)

The Accidental Somebody said...

He wouldn't even come out of his hiding place tonight...wtf?

:)

Lane said...

Oh my gosh! I'm chuckling, because my childhood dog got those (not the balls, the poop stuck to his butt) when he got older. We called them "bungers." The balls went bye-bye at a young age, so I never had to worry about accidentally cutting them off. Your mom's dog is probably scarred for life. :)

my day in a sentence said...

So, you touched it and smelled it. O_o :D

WhisperingWriter said...

Ha, that would have been awkward!!

And gross.