This is my little brother, John. When he isn't playing daddy to two of the cutest little girls on earth, he's out on the streets of Cody fighting the hardened criminals of the old west.
You've heard all the stories of the shit that goes down out here in the sticks - does the name Jeremiah "Liver-Eating" Johnson ring a bell? The man is buried here for cryin' out loud! Ok, maybe he died back in 1900 but still...this is the west and in these parts shit gets CRAZY.
As a kid I was a total bitch to John. He's about three and a half years younger than me, and by the way I treated him you'd think he had stolen my Cabbage Patch Kid, taken a seam ripper to her belly button, and forged the Xavier Roberts signature onto her other butt cheek - on a regular basis - just to piss me off.
In hindsight, I like to think my gross mistreatment of him throughout his childhood only prepared him for a life of fighting crime, protecting the innocent against the wicked.
Just how wicked could the fine citizens of our dignified community be, you ask?
In order to find out, all one has to do is read the local newspaper, the Cody Enterprise. On Wednesdays, the public is allowed a peek into the goings on of the police department and oh what a read it is! This morning while I tended to Mom's dogs (I'm happy to report they are still alive and all genitals intact!), I looted last night's newspaper from her front porch and eagerly perused the shit that puts bread on my brother's table.
I suggest taking a seat before reading any further because what you are going to see are actual incidents and they may be disturbing to some readers:
- Person on Maddox Lane reported fraud-related activity.
- Person on Road 7UH reported fraudulent email.
- Person on Sheridan Avenue reported man in wheelchair causing general disturbance "whooping and hollering."
- Person on Rocky Road reported fraudulent phone calls.
- Person on Buena Vista Avenue reported friend received threats.
- Man on Central Avenue reported neighbor stole items and used lawn mower without permission.
- Woman on A Street reported pain medications stolen.
- Person on Public Street reported trash receptacle smells like something decomposing inside.
- Woman on Pioneer Avenue reported unwanted text message.
I would like to publicly tell my brother, protector of the fine city in which I am raising my two young children, YOU'RE WELCOME. Were it not for the habitual torment I bestowed upon you, you would be ill-equipped to cope with the crime and corruption that dirties the underbelly of our beautiful city.