I've had two and a half weeks off work. I took a few days off to go to Denver for the kids' clinic, and I took the extra time off because I needed to reclaim some of my sanity. To say I was beginning to burn out would be an understatement.
It was an interesting "vacation" - I spent most of it sleeping. Where I wanted it to be a time of reflection, relaxation, and renewal, it instead turned me into a minor agoraphobe and put me into a bit of a funk. I'd get the kids off to school, climb back into bed, and surface when the guilt of sleeping so much felt stronger than the need to stay under the covers. I went to school when it was required of me, and I cared for the kids when they were with me, but when I was alone I tried my best to hide. From myself.
Guess what? Wherever you go, there you are.
Sometimes I get sick of being with myself, like a house guest who has overstayed her welcome. I get sick of the stinkin' thinkin' that invades my head; I get sick of my messy house; I get sick of how lazy I am. But the more I get sick of myself the more paralyzed I become and the less I feel capable of carrying on like a normal human.
I'm trying my hardest to process the origins of whatever it is that has overshadowed my sense of self. It's become a giant, tightly twisted knot of dental floss and all I have to untangle it are banana fingers and a blindfold.
To add insult to injury, I have serious anxiety about returning to work tomorrow. I don't want to do it. I don't want to wake up at 3:45 AM and set out in the dark cold of the morning. Not only do I not want to return to a job I don't like, tomorrow is the day we get to do our practical skills evaluations. This has been looming over our heads for a few months and I've been trying not to think about it for just as long. I don't feel that I have the mental capacity right now to get it right, and I'm trying to OK myself for failure.
I hate to fail.
Here at home Amanda and I have been dealing with serious friction - I'm sure my own fucked up issues are fueling me, and her own pubescent hormonal changes are fueling her. When we are off, the whole world is at a tilt and nothing is right.
My bag of rocks is heavy tonight and I guess for now blogging is how I'm setting it down. The ground in which it's sitting is shaky at best, but it does provide minor relief.