Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Growing up

Ok, enough posts for a while about all the poopy droopy sad stuff of life.  Let's talk about something we can all relate to:


I joke all the time about being old, what with my gray hair (it's coming in nicely right above my ears - if I cut my hair short again I would totally look like Mitt Romney), and my crow's feet.  In all honesty, joking is what it's all about.  I love self-deprecating humor, because life is no fun when you take yourself too seriously.

So when I talk about going to college and being the old lady, it's really more about the relatively unseen differences between me and most other students.  Their baggage reeks of parties and hangovers.  My baggage reeks of an ex-husband and kids who need to be kept alive.

Anyhoo, there is a point in here somewhere.  My birthday is coming up.  May 7th to be exact hint hint.  This will be birthday number thirty-seven.  I've never been afraid of aging, I've always been quite practical about that being a part of life we literally have no control over, so why fight it.  This year however - this year the thought of thirty-seven feels weird because it's so close to forty, and forty just seems so...


I don't know what it is about that number that causes so much confusion within me.  Maybe it's because my parents seemed like ancient  forty-year-olds.  They seemed so bogged down with being adults that they had no choice but to act like old forty-somethings.  Of course raising seven kids in an unhappy marriage might have had something to do with that, but still...

I just don't feel old and that number, the one where doors that were once wide open, begin to close. Like doors for having more kids.  Shit, I'm not even sure I ever want  more kids, but it's weird that it's creeping to the point where having more kids is becoming less about choice and more about biological ability.

I feel like a kid raising my own kids, that any day now their real parents are going to come to the house, pay me for my babysitting services, and drive me home.  The fact that Amanda is nearing the teenage years just blows my mind - I'm not old enough to have a teenager!

I feel like I have a lot of growing up to do before I enter the sacred doors of the forties.  If Spongebob comes onto the TV I will literally stop what I'm doing and watch, laughing my ass off at the absurdity of that damn cartoon.  My sister Amy once said I remind her of Spongebob, and I swear that's one of the best compliments I've ever had!  If I had the money I'd buy the whole Lego set of Bikini Bottom, and if you don't know what Bikini Bottom is you better stop reading right this second and get your ass to Google.

I snicker at the hilarity of hearing a public fart - shit, I even wrote a post about it (which you can read here).  I've been known to give the occasional purple nurple to my boy - very gently of course, I don't want to hurt the kid, and when we go out to eat we almost always end up in messy disruptive laughter because we are all little shits together.

So really I'm still not afraid of turning forty in a few years - I'm just having a hard time making sense of what I grew up knowing what that age represented, and what it's representing in me now. In spite of the crap that life has brought to me over the last few years, the crap that's responsible for those gray hairs, I am still very much a little kid whose heart will never truly grow up.

I like that about myself.  I love  that about myself.  It's just that the damn number isn't playing along and it's really starting to weird me out.

Does anyone else have odd issues about growing up?


Quirky Loon said...

I LOVE SpongeBob. Plankton is my fave. Of course. And honestly? Once I turned 35 everything went downhill for me emotionally and oh yeah, PHYSICALLY.

heh heh

Diana a.k.a Meme said...

Kim, we share a birthday, May 7th! I will be 54! No fear there! My number is 70~ very afraid of that one for some reason! I, too, am a kid at heart~ always will be. I am not afraid to say how OLD I am because I think I am looking pretty good for a Meme of 5! Sometimes when I am out with one of my grandchild, people will assume I am the mommy~HA! I say please NO! It is great to be beyond all that, but you should enjoy every minute because it does fly by ones you hit that magic number 40! So sit back and enjoy the ride... I already think you are doing a great job at it! Remember 40 now is not the 40 of your parents~ it's all good!

esbboston.blogspot.com said...

I like to think about what it would be like if people didn't keep track of how old they were, but just lived, acted and reacted. I bet the vast majority of animals simply live.

Unfortunate Actress said...

This is mostly in the spirit of commenting, even though you already know all this Kim. :) This is a recent picture of my husband and me. My husband is 35 and is the most playful adult I've ever met. I've always wondered what age I would guess him to be if I didn't know, because of that positive and youthful energy he's always had. I know some 35 year olds who carry their age like a weight, and though I understand the merit of maturity, I don't understand the point of treating age like a burden. I think "old" is mostly in your head, and the energy and fun of youth is a "use it or lose it" game. Here's to hoping I can keep it in such an awesome way as my husband has.

The Accidental Somebody said...

And this is why we are SO excited to have you with us over the summer. It's PLAYTIME!!! Thank you for commenting Holly - you are my forever plaything. :)

Stacia said...

Age is def a state of mind. I'm 42 and loving this stage of my life. I have never felt more comfy in my own skin, and am enjoying life more now that I ever have. I will have a problem with maybe 60?


Jayne said...

Holy Mother of God, woman! I'm reaching through my screen, grabbing you by your hair and shaking you until your teeth chatter! Now listen up! I'm 63 and so I know of which I speak. EVERYTHING sucks until you hit 40. Then all the angst and insecurities -- all that bullshit. GONE! 40 is when you hit your stride, girlfriend. And if you take care of yourself and remain healthy, it just keeps getting better. There is nothing quite as wonderful as feeling COMPLETELY comfortable in your own skin, even if it is sagging in places and has a few creases. Plus, these days, 60 is the new 40 so hey -- you get to do it all over again. Seriously, you'll have to be more careful about what you eat, because the waistline is the catch-all for over-indulgence, but other than that -- clear sailing. A profound sense of confidence and self-esteem awaits you. I wouldn't go back a single year. The older you get, the more secrets life's secrets are revealed. Fun times ahead! I promise.

the rat said...

I got a 40 year old son who is older than me and 10 times the fuddy duddy. He makes me feel old so I don't go around him. Hell, he will die from old age before I do. I on the other hand intend to die from a viagra overdose at the age of 100 while trying to ravage a hooker! Wish me luck. I am cutting back on my blogging for a couple of months. I will ck on all my people periodically.

the rat

an other said...

I just turned 40 a few weeks ago. It felt weird for a few hours on the day, then a real sense of calm settled in. It gives you a genuine reason to not give a shit what other people think about you rather than pretending to care or appearing to be a condescending bastard/bitch. 40 is a badge of honour to be worn with pride!

Steve said...

Numbers are for Dr.s, scientists and mathematicians. The rest of us just live life and be true to who we are. I remember turning 40, and it was probably the best birthday I ve had. I realized that I was only half way through. I still had an average of 40 more to go. How cool is that? Since you have a few years to prepare, you can just enjoy the kid in you and let it be. Unless I tell them most people guess my age at 10 to 15 years less than what it is. I love my graying hair because I still have it!

Steve said...

Kim! Numbers are for Doctors, so no need to worry about them anymore. I kinda remember 37 and I do remember turning 40. It was the best birthday yet. I realized that given the usual life expectancy I was only half way through. The thought of 40 more years was intoxicating and I began to think about how to apply the things I'd learned to make the second 40 better than the first one. So rewlax and enjoy the ride, the best is yet to come.

Dean Deal said...


You're beautiful. I've always thought so and I still do. You will ROCK 40!