Sometimes my mind thinks it's important, like it needs to figure out anything and everything RIGHT. NOW. It races, it spins, it yells at me, it scolds me, it has an agenda that is so complicated and twisted it only leaves me begging for mercy.
I counter-act with questions like What am I supposed to do? Why do I have all this pointless shit running through my mind and feel so STUCK all at the same time? Why can't I just knock it off already? Why does it make me feel like shit? Why why WHYYYYYY?!?!
While my mind and my emotions were having their sissy cat fight, the survivor in me said, Get in your car and drive. The kids aren't home for a while, just go you big baby.
So I drove to the reservoir and parked were I could see the magnificent view of the beauty that is Wyoming. Mountains, water, space, clean air, heaven. It was a bit windy and cold so I sat in the solitude of my car and I said a little prayer to the God I've found (this is not the god of any religion). All I said was Hold me, just be with me...please...
With that I closed my eyes, focused on my breathing, and meditated. Right there in my car. Sitting there, I just listened to myself breathe, innnnnnnnnn....ouuuuuuuuuut.... and almost instantly my mind stopped. I sat for probably ten minutes - not much, but enough that I left feeling like a new person. At peace, relaxed, capable.
It's not like I was in a state of euphoria or anything, but in the calmness of my mind I did have the insight that I should go and make my home right, that if I cleaned up our space a bit it would help me feel less overwhelmed.
I left feeling better. So much better. I went home and made our space right, and sure enough, that minor accomplishment helped in so many ways. I didn't have that feeling of peace all day - it's not like I was transformed foreverandeverpraisethelordhallelujaAMEN! I did, however, have the feeling that I need to meditate more often when my mind gets in that state of duress.
Today I'm doing better, I feel like my mind has given me reprieve for a bit. I just need to remember that when things get harried upstairs, all I need to do is sit down and shut up, and trust that everything will be ok.