I'm a very slow learner when it comes to recognizing what's going on with my mental health. You'd think I would notice right away when an ugly dark cloud has rolled in and lingered for days on end. Well shit, I have noticed - I've noticed like I would notice a third boob.
It's the realization that I need to do something about it that I'm slow with. I trudge through the dark days, thinking Damn, feeling like this sucks monkey balls...UGH, gloom and doom, why am I not ok, what the hell is wrong with me? And on and on and on.
This has been going on for several weeks now, and it wasn't until a few days ago that I realized I need to get help. Those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time already know I'm on an anti-depressant. Effexor to be exact. Now that I think about it, I probably didn't think I needed help because shit, I'm already ON something, so I'll just let it pass.
Only it hasn't passed. Not with sunlight, not with exercise, not with making sure I'm taking all of my medications that can help with depression (like my hypo-thyroidism meds), not with daily vitamins and fish oils, not with plenty of sleep.
Nothing is helping.
I was talking with a friend recently, and when I was
She was talking in terms of therapy, and when she said that, I envisioned someone, a qualified someone, guiding me through that scary part of me that makes life the most difficult: My mind. I saw us walking together, him (or her) helping me understand how to cope with this life I'm living as a single mom, as a grown woman, as an individual.
So with her encouragement, I decided to get ahold of a therapist. Since I'm already on medication for my issues, I felt a psychiatrist would be best to handle both the therapy and the medication together. I have an appointment in a few weeks and I'm both nervous and excited. I've never been through therapy before, so I'm not quite sure what to expect - I'm trying to rid my mind (HA!) of expectations and simply allow all of my crazy cards to fall where they may.
Having said that, one thing I am looking forward to is learning how to handle stress, as stress is the number one cause of the extreme pain I get in my shoulder, arm, neck, and back. While massage has helped to physically work through the rock-hard knots, I would rather be able to prevent them from occurring and just use massage as a supplement, so to speak.
I am truly looking forward to cracking myself open, to having someone whose job it is to hold my hand and walk with me through my life. Admitting to myself that I really can't do it all on my own no matter how hard I try, has allowed a tiny hint of sunshine to peek through the clouds. There's a word for that tiny hint of sunshine...
As always, thank you all for walking with me too. I don't see you and I can't touch you, but I certainly feel the collective safety net of support you all provide. For that I am eternally grateful.
Let's walk, shall we?