Saturday, May 5, 2012

Shrink it

Ok, I'm back.

I think.

I'm a very slow learner when it comes to recognizing what's going on with my mental health.  You'd think I would notice right away when an ugly dark cloud has rolled in and lingered for days on end.  Well shit, I have noticed - I've noticed like I would notice a third boob.

It's the realization that I need to do something about it that I'm slow with.  I trudge through the dark days, thinking Damn, feeling like this sucks monkey balls...UGH, gloom and doom, why am I not ok, what the hell is wrong with me?   And on and on and on.  

AND ON.


This has been going on for several weeks now, and it wasn't until a few days ago that I realized I need to get help.  Those of you who have been reading  my blog for a long time already know I'm on an anti-depressant.  Effexor to be exact.  Now that I think about it, I probably didn't think I needed help because shit, I'm already ON something, so I'll just let it pass.

Only it hasn't passed.  Not with sunlight, not with exercise, not with making sure I'm taking all of my medications that can help with depression (like my hypo-thyroidism meds), not with daily vitamins and fish oils, not with plenty of sleep.

Nothing is helping.

I was talking with a friend recently, and when I was dumping on her talking with her about recent  struggles with my ex, she made the comment that I can't save him and that he needs help - and that I need help too.  What stuck with me was when she said, We all need someone to walk with us through life.

She was talking in terms of therapy, and when she said that, I envisioned someone, a qualified someone, guiding me through that scary part of me that makes life the most difficult:  My mind.  I saw us walking together, him (or her) helping me understand how to cope with this life I'm living as a single mom, as a grown woman, as an individual.

So with her encouragement, I decided to get ahold of a therapist.  Since I'm already on medication for my issues, I felt a psychiatrist would be best to handle both the therapy and the medication together.  I have an appointment in a few weeks and I'm both nervous and excited.  I've never been through therapy before, so I'm not quite sure what to expect - I'm trying to rid my mind (HA!) of expectations and simply allow all of my crazy cards to fall where they may.

Having said that, one thing I am looking forward to is learning how to handle stress, as stress is the number one cause of the extreme pain I get in my shoulder, arm, neck, and back.  While massage has helped to physically work through the rock-hard knots, I would rather be able to prevent them from occurring and just use massage as a supplement, so to speak.

I am truly looking forward to cracking myself open, to having someone whose job it is to hold my hand and walk with me through my life.  Admitting to myself that I really can't do it all on my own no matter how hard I try, has allowed a tiny hint of sunshine to peek through the clouds.  There's a word for that tiny hint of sunshine...

Hope.

As always, thank you all for walking with me too.  I don't see you and I can't touch you, but I certainly feel the collective safety net of support you all provide.  For that I am eternally grateful.

Let's walk, shall we?








  

16 comments:

esbboston.blogspot.com said...

I needed that same Eff Xor for awhile, but when I lost my job and therapists no longer seemed relevant, my dog seemed to help me the most of anything, and to continue blogging. So my cure was blogging and dogging, hmm, I don't think I have ever wrote that before, but with my bwain, you never know. When I hear or think the word "Wyoming" I think about you and hope things are going okay for you at that very moment. I don't think I am having a down day, not sure, I think I am just sore from yesterday's activities, but still saddened by other peoples cruelty to other people, and they are situations vastly remote from me. But I haven't seen my mother in several weeks and she will be nearby soon, so that will be cool, hopefully lunch with Momma. Plus I noticed my little bitty tiny grapes on their clusters looked so marvelous, and If they make it will be my first year to actually have real grapes! So in the grand scheme of things I can see lots of little joys, one after another, and this is May 5th, so that means it is also time for me to go find my little insect friend, this year's praying mantis!

The Accidental Somebody said...

Oh that's so sweet you think of me when you see Wyoming! I really appreciate that. :) I went off my anti-depressant for about six months last year and all that did was prove to me I shouldn't have gone off it. My brain takes me to very scary places, so meds it is. We'll see what the doc has to say as far as that goes. So glad you get to see Momma and I hope you two have a great lunch! And take pics of the grapes when they're all growed up. :)

Stacia said...

I have been seeing my therapist for about 18 mos and I go twice a month. I also participate in a group therapy with 7 other women and we meet bi-weekly. Yes...I'm being therapied to death and I have no shame. I will tell anyone that I love going. I'm starting to like me again. There are times that I look forward to going, just to get another perspective on what I'm feeling. I have been thru one hellish year....

Therapy is there to help you, guide you, give you clarity. It means you care enough about yourself, you want to learn and grow as a person. I cry a lot when I go, and I really try to spend some time alone to just sort things out after a session. I journal alot, things that don't make it to my blog. Wow...I have some out of this world


thoughts!!

You will find peace eventually, and you are a strong person. Look at what you are doing right now!! Despite everything that is going on in your life, you still keep moving forward. I'm proud of you for taking the next step.

Can't wait to read how you progess!!

xoxo (((hugs)))

Bobi Jensen said...

Amen sister! Preach it! A really beautifully written post. Thanks for sharing. I am a BIG fan of therapy (if you have the right person providing it) and the longer I live the more I realize that my flawed brain needs medicine too. So both it is. And I have the same problem--recognizing that I need help and giving myself permission to get the help always get put off way longer than they should. But if my kid has an earache? Call made, appoinment in the books, head to the store to get the meds. Its hard to imagine what my life would be like if I acted that confidently and swiftly on my own behalf....Hmmm...

The Flying Tortoise said...

Hugging's good too so I'll send a few...

The Accidental Somebody said...

It's amazing how quickly your virtual hugs make it here from New Zeland. I always accept them with a giant hug back. :)

The Accidental Somebody said...

I love to hear therapy "success" stories - they give me so much hope! Thank you Stacia!!

The Accidental Somebody said...

Thank you Bobi - you are SO right that we take care of our kids in a heartbeat but put ourselves on the back burner until we nearly drop dead. Time to put me on the list!

Keith Wynn said...

As someone who is in grad school to become a therapist, I am a strong advocate for the benefits of therapy. We all need someone to talk to and to open up to. It's very cathartic.

The Accidental Somebody said...

I don't recall knowing you're in grad school, let alone becoming a therapist. Have I just not been paying attention?? Anyway, I'm sure you'll make a fine therapist! I'm really looking forwarad to beginning and seeing what's in store for me.

Steve said...

Good for you Kimmie! I went to a psychologist for my own depression and it was the best thing I could have done. Having someone to talk to who is not involved in the issue really really helps. In that space you are totally free to lay all the cards on the table, pick each one up and examine it together without having to worry about being judged or critisized. I'm very happy for you!
Steve

Meg1472 said...

I've recently been cracked open by a therapist as well. It's hard work. You have to stare directly at all the ugly stuff. It's hard, but I think it's important to look at it so you can make sense of it and let it go. I've got so much stuff I have two therapists!!! haha. And I'm medicated too. Can live without my Zoloft right now. Wow, this stuff it hard I know. I still struggle, but if we have the will to fight I know we'll be ok

Roksana Podgorska said...

Good for you KIM, I am more for a therapist than antidepressants, because they only cure symptoms not the cause of a problem. So I hope he or she will be good and help you sort out some stuff. They won't tell you what to do though, so please remember that. They will only help you understand what you should or want to do. My best friend's been in therapy for 3 years now, she goes 5 times a week. Serious stuff and she says it's helping. I wish she'd started way before she actually did. SHe could've avoided a lot of misery. ANyway. Good for you and I am here if you want to unload. I unload on you sometimes out of the blue, so feel free. :) That reminds me I need to send you an email if you're feeling up for it that is.

xx

kate said...

I love how honest you are in your posts :) I just came across your blog and love it.. i'm adding myself as a follower

www.studentswife.com

The Accidental Somebody said...

Welcome Kate! I figure if you can't be honest, why be at all? See you around!

an other said...

Ok, someone here needs to be an asshole, and I'm pretty used to the role, so...

You're a smart girl, you've done the most important thing and recognized the "dark cloud", the most important step. Nothing you go through in therapy will tell you anything you don't already know about yourself, it will just validate it, but you're stepping into a world of having your life judged by other peoples standards.

The shit that brings the darkness is out of your control, so there's no point worrying about it. There's very little in life that we do have control over (the more scientific philosophies would say there is none), and 99% of our misery is brought on by worrying about things that never happen.

If you stopped worrying about how you're told your life is supposed to be and look at how it is, and savor the moments and the journey rather than the dream, I think you'll find you're doing pretty damn good.

The last thing you need is to get involved in more government sanctioned narcotics. Do you think that version of you is the person you want your kids to grow up with, especially given the phenomenal natural beauty of their surroundings which you do so well to immerse them in?

Yes, life is a huge shit sandwich, as you know I've had several large bites, but the path to peace is focusing on your path, not trying to conform to society's, especially this society's.

Apologies to anyone who takes offence to my bluntness.