Thursday, August 30, 2012


I know when I need to write - I feel the urge to go running to my computer to let the energy out of my fingers, much like I might run to the toilet with my mouth half-covered trying to not spray puke everywhere. I've ever done that before.

Writing is my therapy, and I haven't felt the need to write until now.  Like right NOW.  I just went for a run at the gym, and while it was nothing to be impressed with (I may have eeked out 20 minutes), I think it kind of uncorked something within me.

In a good way.

When the kids started school it was nice to once again have a quiet home to myself for most of the day.  I'm in school, one class is two days a week on campus, and one class is online.  And I'm still not working.  What I thought would be a relaxing, enjoyable time to myself while the kids have been in school, has turned into scary time.


Not BOO! scary.

But scary, as in depression-type scary; self-imposed-isolation-that-turns-ugly scary; this-is-not-good scary.  I'm up in the morning to see the kids off to school, then I'm back to bed for a few hours.  Then I find myself sitting in paralyzing stillness, counting the minutes till the kids come home.  In that paralyzing stillness my mind is like a nagging wife, bringing up every tidbit she finds undesirable about me, browbeating me until I nearly break.

Everything about me is wrong.  Everything about me is bad.  Everything about me is hateful and dreadful.

That's when I found myself thinking, as I made my bed this afternoon in an attempt to just DO SOMETHING, Get yourself to the gym and run.  Just go. NOW.  My psychiatrist says it's the best thing I can do for myself, that people who exercise are generally people who are happy.

So that's what I did.  I Forrest Gump'd myself on the treadmill for a little bit, not worrying about the time, just enjoying the extra heavy beats of my heart, the sweat pouring down my face, and my lungs breathing life into my soul.

It did make me feel better.  SO. MUCH. BETTER.  I just have to remind myself that going running isn't about fitting my ass into smaller jeans, or about fixing my outer self, or about doing it perfect or not at all.  Getting to the gym and moving my legs is about keeping that self-destruct button more and more out of reach.

If I can continue to remind myself about my body's deepest needs for exercise, I think that self-destruct button will slowly disappear all together.

Wish me luck.


Jayne said...

Exercise releases endorphins -- the body's own feel-good drug. Plus, the gym is a good place to meet people and make some new friends. Baby steps, my friend. They soon add up.

Stacia said...

I'm so glad you are finding things to keep you moving, motivated and happy. I can understand the loneliness, esp since the kids are back to school. I'm so excited for you and this photography class!! I also agree on the exercising because I know how I feel when I do and when I do not. Not doing it puts me in weird places and I start really beating myself up for many things. Zumba does it for me :)


Ernest S B Boston said...

Good! I escaped the house today by changing a fuel filter, the second larger MUCH harder to reach of the two. I had to search aLL over town to find the right size socket, but then it was to long to work in the cramped us - arg! So I improvised, but it was slow. Glad you found relief.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

We all need a release of some sort. Glad you've found yours.

karie mcrae said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I went through it a year and 1/2 ago when I lost my job. I lived in complete fear. Worried every day that we would lose everything if I didn't find a job. I started to go to the gym as well; in an effort to keep me off Prozac. I found that it became addicting mentally. I hope you keep pushing through. I promise you that things will work out. Sometimes, losses like these become blessings. Also, stay in school. :)