Thursday, December 6, 2012

Nutrient soup

Maybe if I sit here and stare at the blinking cursor long enough I'll figure out where to start this post.  A billion things are whirring around my brain and I guess I'm just waiting for one or two of them to begin thoughtlessly leaking out my fingers.

A while back a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she found a little green caterpillar in some broccoli she was eating, and after putting it in a jar and caring for staring at it for however long, out came the cutest little green butterfly.  Now, I've always known the basics of how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, but it wasn't until recently that I learned that inside the cocoon, at one point it is in the form of a "nutrient soup."  How the fuck a colorful squishy bug who turns into soup, ends up a delicate winged creature is beyond my comprehension, but it's pretty damn amazing.

So for the past month and a half that I've been away ignoring my blog, it's been because I am nutrient soup. I am a walking, talking, breathing, sleeping cocoon held together by my pale, varicose vein-ridden hide.  I sleep all the time, I've put on weight, I neglect housework, I make macaroni and cheese for dinner, I don't shower every day.

I'm not me.

But something is teeming inside; my nutrient soup is starting to solidify, molecule by molecule.  My soup stage hasn't been completely for naught - I have been trying to figure out my being like never before.  I met someone.  Yes, I have a boyfriend.  We went to the same elementary school for a few years, then he moved away and came back for a couple years of high school.  I didn't know him really well then, but I knew him.  We reconnected a bit ago and instantly formed an incredible bond.

He is living out-of-state at the moment but will be relocating back to Cody soon, and we have talked of combining our families (he is also raising a son and daughter on his own), possibly adding to the brood, maybe marriage, maybe not.

This relationship and its possibilities have been ingredients to the soup - am I ready to share my life with a man again?  Am I ready to commit to him forever?  Is he THE ONE?  Hell, so much about him is different than who I usually go for.  I've always been attracted to the ones who have the walls built up, who are angry at life, who had the tendencies to be assholes.  Not this time.  This time I threw caution to the wind and accepted someone into my life who is full of love, who is anything and everything I have ever looked for in a man, who has no walls I have to fight through.

My rebuilding isn't only about finding love, but finding the right direction in which to take my education, biting the bitter pill that what I thought I would love doing (film production) has left me completely unfulfilled.  It's also about putting my physical self back together, finding an exercise program that I enjoy, that I can be patient with myself with in order to take good care of my whole self.  It's been a slow, piece-by-piece process that has required sleep, and thought, and deep introspection, and sometimes cookies and milk instead of lunch.

So who knows who will emerge from this cocoon - maybe a new wife and mother, maybe an author, maybe a crack whore.  Maybe all of the above.

Only time will tell.

*I apologize for the words that link to advertisements.  I didn't format them to do that and I don't know how to remove the links.


Stacia said...

Look who's back!!! Love it ;)

Karie said...

I am so glad you are back...I missed you. I am thrilled that you have found someone. Are his kids similar ages to yours? Blending families is a continual work in progress; fifteen years later and we find it challenging. If he is the right guy, it will be worth it.

I know what you mean about exercise too. I have fallen off the path a little. I need to pull it back together and rock it again. :)

Jayne said...

Sounds like you are ready for a rebirth and how wonderful for you. I wish you all the best and every happiness.