I began to unravel as I stood at the top of the step mill machine overlooking the free weight area, climbing to nowhere and watching the same people I've watched going through the same motions day in and day out for over a year and a half. The feeling of being a hamster on a hamster wheel working hard but going nowhere, going through all the same motions every day, over and over and over, and over and fucking OVER again, nothing changing but the scenery, began to make me angry.
What is the fucking point of it all? We seemingly begin to exist out of nowhere one day, just *poof* and here we are, through no choice of our own, no choosing of our when, where, how, or who we're with. And it's a goddamn struggle from minute one. Why? I mean, really, WHY?
Erik is trying, after thirty years of trying, to make a living with his art. This man embodies art, has paint running through his veins. You'd think that his willingness to do his life calling, to pour his every last breath until he wakes up at 5AM with the stylus on the ground and his head slumped onto the computer screen, would result in the Universe rewarding him with some kind of financial abundance, but nothing. STRUGGLE. I'm trying to find another part time job to supplement Erik trying to make a living with his art, and nothing is working out. I even got turned down to be a part time cashier at a fucking Target, no less, after having spent eleven months out of the past year cashiering at a Lowe's store. STRUGGLE.
Then through Buddhism I learn that suffering is all in the mind, which I get - but my mind is foe, not friend. Depression and darkness is lurking around every corner. My mind is my greatest enemy, and even getting that under control is a STRUGGLE.
So do any of you have the answers? What. Is. The. Point? Why the fuck are we here to play Groundhog Day? Is there something better?
Inquiring, relentless, burdened minds want to know...
4 comments:
I feel you. I'm a lifecoach,I guide clients through the meltdowns. That doesn't make me exempt from them. If I were to sit down with you is be able to give you specific guidance. I don't believe in a one size fits all, especially something that will hold true your whole life. Through closest thing is to always love yourself through it all. But how and what kind of expression of love needed changed, even from moment to moment. To use a simple example, loving self can look like exercising one moment and resting another.
I have a hand written note to myself in the wall of my bedroom that reads, "Did I learn to love?" The context to that question would be the last moment, last day, even maybe lay last year or more. Did I learn to love [more deeply]?
Life does suck sometimes. I don't see benefit in trying to paint it better than it is. Currently, a focus of my work is loving my self, the named form odd my existence, more fully day by day, moment by moment. I fail a lot. But I can love the one who fails, and in that I succeed. In this, I can succeed in any moment I choose love. We struggle a lot with the demands we place on ourselves.
A gold nugget I received recently is a simple tool that needs no deep understanding, only to use it. I offer it to you, my companion in pain.
Start by taking a few deep slow breaths to calm your mind.
-What if this __(fill in the black with the thought or emotion you're suffering from/with) isn't mine?
-Whether it is or isn't I love myself unconditionally.
-May all those who feel/think ___(emotion/thought)____ be healed, blessed and transformed.
Practice this as often as you need to. You'll feel a difference?
And to touch on your Buddhism quote, I don't see anything as my enemy, only my opportunity for greater love. I think we so often takes ideas and use them to judge some part of ourselves. We are in need of a lot of compassion. As I'm writing this I'm taking my own advice because I need it just as much as you.
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I happened upon this blog post looking up existential meltdowns. Hearing your pain helped me hear my own more. Thank you for your offering.
Samuel
Also,check out Matt Kahn on YouTube if you desire. His channel and website is TrueDivineNature. He has helped me a ton.
I love you for your existence.
Samuel, thank you so much for your comments! I have read and will re-read as many times as I need to until I learn. You've shared wonderful wisdom and insight, and I am truly grateful. I will use your "gold nugget," as it is something I need to incorporate into my everyday life. Thank you for stumbling upon my blog - I wrote prolifically for many years, then let it fall by the wayside for a few as well. I have only recently felt compelled to write, much as an artist will feel the tug to doodle in her sketchbook - and I am happy to know that one of my "doodles" meant enough to someone that they wrote a beautiful comment in response.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
Kim
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