Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Existential meltdown

Sometimes life just sucks giant hairy donkey balls.  The struggle of it all, the incessant feeling that I'm climbing up a never-ending hill, swimming upstream, in ten feet of snow, all at once, came crashing down on me yesterday as I sat in my car eating Taco Bell after I bombed a cardio session at the gym. 

I began to unravel as I stood at the top of the step mill machine overlooking the free weight area, climbing to nowhere and watching the same people I've watched going through the same motions day in and day out for over a year and a half.  The feeling of being a hamster on a hamster wheel working hard but going nowhere, going through all the same motions every day, over and over and over, and over and fucking OVER again, nothing changing but the scenery, began to make me angry.

What is the fucking point of it all?  We seemingly begin to exist out of nowhere one day, just *poof* and here we are, through no choice of our own, no choosing of our when, where, how, or who we're with.  And it's a goddamn struggle from minute one.  Why?  I mean, really, WHY?

Erik is trying, after thirty years of trying, to make a living with his art.  This man embodies art, has paint running through his veins.  You'd think that his willingness to do his life calling, to pour his every last breath until he wakes up at 5AM with the stylus on the ground and his head slumped onto the computer screen, would result in the Universe rewarding him with some kind of financial abundance, but nothing.  STRUGGLE.  I'm trying to find another part time job to supplement Erik trying to make a living with his art, and nothing is working out.  I even got turned down to be a part time cashier at a fucking Target, no less, after having spent eleven months out of the past year cashiering at a Lowe's store.  STRUGGLE.

Then through Buddhism I learn that suffering is all in the mind, which I get - but my mind is foe, not friend.  Depression and darkness is lurking around every corner.  My mind is my greatest enemy, and even getting that under control is a STRUGGLE.

So do any of you have the answers?  What. Is. The. Point?  Why the fuck are we here to play Groundhog Day?  Is there something better?

Inquiring, relentless, burdened minds want to know...

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