Sunday, March 25, 2012

Two and a half weeks

I've had two and a half weeks off work.  I took a few days off to go to Denver for the kids' clinic, and I took the extra time off because I needed to reclaim some of my sanity.  To say I was beginning to burn out would be an understatement.

It was an interesting "vacation" - I spent most of it sleeping.  Where I wanted it to be a time of reflection, relaxation, and renewal, it instead turned me into a minor agoraphobe and put me into a bit of a funk.  I'd get the kids off to school, climb back into bed, and surface when the guilt of sleeping so much felt stronger than the need to stay under the covers.  I went to school when it was required of me, and I cared for the kids when they were with me, but when I was alone I tried my best to hide.  From myself.

Guess what?  Wherever you go, there you are.

Sometimes I get sick of being with myself, like a house guest who has overstayed her welcome.  I get sick of the stinkin' thinkin' that invades my head; I get sick of my messy house; I get sick of how lazy I am.  But the more I get sick of myself the more paralyzed I become and the less I feel capable of carrying on like a normal human.

I'm trying my hardest to process the origins of whatever it is that has overshadowed my sense of self.  It's become a giant, tightly twisted knot of dental floss and all I have to untangle it are banana fingers and a blindfold.

To add insult to injury, I have serious anxiety about returning to work tomorrow.  I don't want to do it.  I don't want to wake up at 3:45 AM and set out in the dark cold of the morning.  Not only do I not want to return to a job I don't like, tomorrow is the day we get to do our practical skills evaluations.  This has been looming over our heads for a few months and I've been trying not to think about it for just as long.  I don't feel that I have the mental capacity right now to get it right, and I'm trying to OK myself for failure.

I hate to fail.

Here at home Amanda and I have been dealing with serious friction - I'm sure my own fucked up issues are fueling me, and her own pubescent hormonal changes are fueling her.  When we are off, the whole world is at a tilt and nothing is right.

Poor Brandon.

My bag of rocks is heavy tonight and I guess for now blogging is how I'm setting it down.  The ground in which it's sitting is shaky at best, but it does provide minor relief.

*deep breaths*

5 comments: said...

[hugz] - my suggestion is to tackle work head-on, full steam ahead, with a if-I-run-you-over-comma-stay-down aTTiTude.

I know what you mean, I have been too immobilized during the last three weeks with flu junk, but at least a few plumbing problems etc have finaLLy got me moving a little, a little more plumbing tomorrow, but its mainly a faucet.

My Spring is definitely here!

The Flying Tortoise said...

I send hugs...

Keith Wynn said...

I certainly hope you feel better my friend :) I'm sending positive and happy thoughts your way

Melissa said...

You need to start relishing in the truths of who you are Kimmy Lou! Loving, caring, lovely, wonderful, hilarious, gentle, thoughtful, beautiful, energetic, goofy, healthy, a great singer, an amazing mother, a precious friend, and a beloved sibiling and daughter! We all have 'bugs' we are working out of our lives but remember the list of your goodness is much longer than your hiccups! And don't let the PSE's get you down, you are awesome at your job, if they can't see that well, f...orget them! :) I love you girlfriend!!

Steve said...

Hey Kimmie, I agree with Melissa, but from my own experience with depression it's hard to even think of the good things when I'm at the bottom of the well. I hope you know that there are others like me out here that see all the wonderful beautiful amazing qualities that are part of who you are. To give back to you what you once said to me; I love you just the way you are including the imperfections, they are what make you so special.