Sunday, January 11, 2009

Doin' the best I can

So I am going to try to do better at keeping up on the blog. I've been on such an emotional roller coaster lately that some days I don't want to get out of bed let alone write about life. In the past this blog has been fun and humorous, and that's always how I've wanted to keep it for the most part. I guess that's why I don't write very often anymore...my life is less about humor and more about struggle.

I didn't think anyone wanted to read about pain and sadness, and because I like to make people laugh I didn't want to expose that side of myself too much. I realized that this blog was created to explore who I am as a person regardless of where I am in life. Nobody goes through their existence without bumps and bruises and maybe, just maybe, what I'm going through can help someone else along their own journey.

Out of respect for my husband and kids, I will still remain mum about particulars in our situation. I'm not going to use this as a way to air my dirty laundry...I will do my best to convey my feelings and struggles without negatively impacting those I love.

The pain of a separation is real. The pain of depression is real. When children are involved it is terrifying and scary and excruciating at times. Depression is tricky for me - it's one of the most debilitating things to go through, yet something I rarely want to share with others because of the stigma that is quite often attached to it. Regardless of what others may think of depression, I have to address it, as it is as real to me as the nose on my face.

I was diagnosed with depression three and a half years ago, and prescribed the medication Effexor. It is an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication, and has helped me tremendously. Even with the meds, the past few months have been the worst I have ever experienced. I used to have a funk every now and then, no big deal. I always knew that they would pass and that the next day would be like no funk ever existed. The past few months I have found myself in that funk...with only a day here and there of respite.

I am grateful for my kids because without them I would still be under the covers, making my existence as dark as it can possibly be. Darkness seems to mute the hurt just enough to get by. Because of my kids I have to get my butt up and face the world and for that I am grateful.

I don't regret the separation, as I feel it was a necessary step for me to take. It's looking into my children's eyes, seeing the suffering that they endure as a result of my choice, that is excruciatingly painful. They are too young to understand, yet they have coped so amazingly well. When I think of who inspires me, or who my heroes are, my answer is undoubtedly my kids. They are two of the strongest people I know...so full of love and compassion. I don't lean on my kids to help get me through this - how unfair it would be of me to make them shoulder that burden. It's how they get through their lives despite their own pain that inspires me, that puts things into perspective. If I could only be as strong as them!

I am grateful for the chance to start over again with each new day. It's that renewal of hope that allows me to peek through the covers and realize that life must go on.

2 comments:

amanda said...

Thanks for sharing this, Kim. I wish you all the best!

Amy said...

I think about you all the time and wish in some way I could help. I pray for you and hope that you can find peace. I wish we lived closer and could chat more.