Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Ramblings

I've been so irritable the last few days, it hit me out of nowhere and has brought me down to one of my all-too familiar funks.  The weather certainly hasn't helped - a week of ripping wind eventually messes with a person's head, and we woke to snow this morning, and very little sunshine if any.  Blah blah BLAH.

When I'm feeling good I'm capable of anything...I become excited about possible activities I want to venture into; I feel like there is a chance for me to finally bust out of my small world of kim-ness and go places with the talents I've been blessed with.  While I never feel like I excel at anything, when I'm feeling good I at least feel like I have a chance with some hard work and perseverance.

When I'm not feeling good, when the clouds that cover the sunshine also cloud up any positive sense about myself, I doubt everything.  I sit and wonder how, just a few days ago, I was so sure of myself, so confident and positive, and then *poof* it all went away in an instant.  My mind tells me I'll never get it right, I'll never be that good, no matter how much I focus my attention on something it will never be good enough.  For whom or for what?  Not really sure, I suppose.

I become stuck in my head, a non-stop record of dialogue that tells me I am a failure, that I will never amount to anything more than a part-time security screener at the airport.  I feel like I have so much in me to give, but I have no clue how sort it out, clean it up,  to get it out there.

I feel like I'm bursting at the seams with everything - music, writing, art (drawing/painting), photography, but I haven't figured out how to manage myself to really excel enough at any one of them enough to make some money with them.  My dream would be to make a living as an artist, in any of the areas I just mentioned, and work my own schedule so I can be here for my kids at every available moment.  They are still young, but time is slipping by so quickly, I don't want to come home after a day at the airport and realize high school has come and gone and they've flown the nest to find themselves.

Ok so this post is very rambly, as the title asserts, but it's served its purpose as a way to get what's in my mind out and on *paper*.  I'll continue to use my mantra to get myself through the funk, and when I've managed my way out of it I think I'll be better able to focus on what I really want to accomplish.

Until then...everything's going to be ok...right?

3 comments:

Amanda said...

I have to remind myself of that often. And yet sometimes, I still don't believe it. But I say it anyway. And thanks for the sweet comment on my blog. When YOU say my picture is beautiful, it really means something. :)

Western Warmth said...

Geez, I feel exposed...quit peeking in my head!!! This winter has been a doozy for me in some of the same ways, and I'm thinking...wow, just yesterday I felt ok. What's going on?

Roxy said...

I know what you mean feeling on top of the world one day and not so much another. The worst thing for me is that i don't think I have any talents.